Congregational Conflict
Unresolved conflict is one of the most challenging aspects of church life. Conflict arises to one degree or another - everything from minor friction to outright war - in almost every setting of human interaction. While the conflict I most often hear about is conflict between church members and pastoral leadership, conflict between church members themselves is also common.
When such conflict exists, prayer is the essential starting point toward resolution. Prayer brings God to bear on situations. Prayer can result in changed minds, changed hearts, changed behavior, and an improved situation. The difference prayer makes is amazing.
The second step toward the resolution of conflict is having a courteous conversation. In my role as district superintendent, church members sometimes contact me with concerns about their pastor. My first question is always, “Have you personally shared this with your pastor?” I am surprised at how many church members want me to have a conversation with the pastor that they should first have with the pastor. It is best when individuals talk with each other rather than talking about each other. Face-to-face dialogue is to be preferred over phone calls, e-mails, texts, or Facebook postings.
Give thought to the best time and place for the conversation. What time will be most convenient for the other individual? What place will offer the most graceful setting for the meeting? Meeting over a cup of coffee provides a setting markedly different than meeting in an office. Making an appointment to meet is usually better than an unscheduled encounter.
There is much value in having a courteous and considerate conversation. Misunderstandings can be resolved, mutual respect increased, common ground discovered, and relationships strengthened. Changes are often willingly made (on both sides) as a result of an open, honest conversation. Hearing you express your concerns may greatly help the other individual. The other individual’s response to your concerns may greatly help you.
Often, the source of the conflict is unmet expectations. Sometimes those expectations are legitimate but unexpressed, and therefore unmet - simply because the other individual is unaware of the expectations. When you lovingly and gracefully communicate legitimate expectations, the other individual can be empowered with knowledge to act.
There are also occasions when expectations may be impractical. Put yourself in the shoes of the other individual and ask if what you are expecting is either unattainable or unrealistic. A conversation can make evident whether or not expectations are appropriate and provide opportunity for resolution.
If, after following these steps, resolution is not forthcoming, the next step (according to Matthew 18) is to have a follow-up conversation with the assistance of one or two spiritually mature members of the congregation who can be wise mediators.
When unresolved issues spiral into congregational conflict, the results are invariably negative and include distraction from mission, hurt feelings, damaged congregational unity, and injury to the church’s witness in the community.
When people who are striving to be Christlike sit down together for a prayerful conversation seeking resolution and reconciliation, good things usually happen.
A person’s ability to extend grace is key in resolution. When conflict is the result of personality differences, a generous spirit of forgiveness and a graceful commitment to live together in community is sometimes the most appropriate response.
Finally, always remember that while it takes two to reconcile, it only takes one to forgive. You can be the one.